Breakthroughs can happen in the depths of despair
I sit here crying… tears of joy mixed with fear and wonder. This is the first time in months that I’ve felt content. Fully okay in my body. Like the world isn’t ending. And that is why I’m crying.
I had COVID in mid-December, and I felt like I was never going to recover from it. Staying inside and in bed alone with no one to care for me was sort of my worst nightmare. It’s one of the main reasons I was so safe all this time. Why I avoided huge gatherings and wore a mask on public transport. That and I didn’t want debilitating long COVID symptoms.
Toward the end of December, I started to feel pretty decent. I could walk twenty minutes without being totally out of breath. My tastebuds are still not back to normal though. On New Year’s Day, I woke up with the worst stabbing knee pain I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t “do” anything. It was unexplainable. But the more I researched, it seems that inflammation and pain are experienced by a lot of folks after a COVID infection. (but it’s just a flu *eyeroll*)
For someone so active, who goes the gym 5 days a week, who goes on long hikes, who crushes it in spinning class, who is used to operating at a high level of functionality, by day 12 of this knee pain I was losing hope. Am I disabled now? Will I ever be able to walk, run or cycle again? These are the questions I started to ponder with a lot of fear and disbelief.
It’s day 14 and my knee still hurts. I’m learning to just deal with the pain (I’ve tried all kinds of meds and none work). Thankfully, I’ve managed to do yoga every night and in week two I began to lift weights at home. First starting with upper body but then incorporated lower body exercises that didn’t hurt (I can’t externally rotate or sit cross-legged basically, but squatting and deadlifts are going well). Sucks to pay for a gym membership I can’t use but I’m just not ready for that atmosphere.
But here’s to say that even at your lowest low, when you have no clue if you’ll fix the situation, you can turn things around. I have implemented more healthful things in my diet and life in the last two weeks and have stuck with them. I suck at creating new habits if I’m honest, but it was the pain and desperation that made it possible. I was willing to do anything.
Here are the things I will continue that have suited me well.
- I started eating more. This may seem counterintuitive since I was mostly bedridden but evidence shows that women going through hormonal transition of perimenopause need to eat more for several reasons. It’s harder to build and maintain muscle mass, so I started having a small breakfast of overnight oats that I fill with good stuff.
Here’s my recipe:- 1/3 cup fine rolled oats
- 1 tablespoon protein powder
- 1 tablespoon raisins
- 1/2 serving creatine
- 1/2 teaspoon ground flax and hemp seeds
- Pumpkin pie spice
- Plant milk and water, to cover
Stir well and leave in the fridge overnight. Top with frozen blueberries and banana (or whatever fruit you like). After a few times, you’ll figure out the right ratio of liquid to your liking.
- I still do intermittent fasting because there is mounting evidence that this is good for health and longevity. I eat more in a smaller feeding window. So usually 10am-6pm is when I eat, more or less.
- I cut out all added refined sugar and upped my inflammatory foods. I also upped my supplements and got diligent about my vitamin D and b12 especially.
- I’m making all my meals from scratch, except the occasional meal out with friends. This has been amazing. I’ll be honest, once I got my air-fryer I started having a ton of packaged foods and lazy meals. Now I meal plan and pick a few new recipes to make each week. It’s been a blast! I didn’t even realize how much I missed cooking.
- I’ve done yoga every night. The Yoga with Adrienne 30-day yoga challenge is perfect with a bum knee because the videos aren’t too long or challenging. But it’s been amazing for my body and mental health.
- Computer, phone and tv are shut off at 10pm. No exceptions. This gives me time to read before 11pm bedtime (yes I adore my sleep).
- I did this before the new year, but I turned off all my phone notifications to stop the distractions. I also deleted Facebook and all dating apps (another blog coming about that!!) from my phone. I’m no longer mindlessly scrolling on Instagram and also deleted every account of content creators who aren’t my personal friends.
Maybe these seem insignificant to you or things you already do, but for me, it was the wake-up call I needed. I was telling myself over and over again that I was this lazy person who couldn’t start new habits. Last year, I just let myself float through life without any purpose or drive, somewhat apathetic to life in general. Perimenopause symptoms started taking over and I didn’t even recognize the person in the mirror.
Turns out, I’m just a new person and that’s okay.
Rebranding this website and saying goodbye to my old brand feels like coming out of a cocoon, a lackadaisical fog that I’ve been in since the pandemic. It feels so good to write again, even if no one reads it. I’ll be letting it all hang out here. Things will be messy, and radical and sometimes may not even make sense I bet!
I hope you’re here for it.